Seriously!
What prompted this was the latest article in the Life section of USA Today ( a section that features a daily cover story on The Twilight Saga) on Eclipse. Here is the intro...
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is at the top of the box office, but as teenage heroine Bella Swan moves inevitably toward marriage with a vampire, some wonder if she's such an exemplary role model for the girls who follow her adventures in the hugely popular books and movies.
Apparently there is a concern that teen girls will read the Twilight series and emulate the behavior, leading to them rush into marriage only to find that being married young is not all it is cracked up to be when your spouse is not a vampire. The question that this article raised for me had to do with the general premise of the article: getting married young and starting a family is a really, really bad idea.
Is marrying young and “rashly” a danger? It can be if you don’t do any preparation for your children to understand and expect marriage. If marriage is something rushed into because you are young and in luuuuuvvvv, well then disaster is sure to follow. Most children are not raised to expect and seek out marriage at a young age. They are supposed to get an education (i.e. go to college whether it makes sense or not), get a job, explore the world, live their life, find themselves and when they have sowed their wild oats they can finally capitulate and get married. That whole model has worked out pretty well for us, right? What we end up with are people who have lived for a decade or more as an adult, “doing their own thing” and finally settling down and getting married when their biological clock starts to chime a little too loudly.
I think history has shown that waiting to get married doesn’t make for better marriages. Couples used to marry at a far younger average age and divorce was far less common. With the more modern model of cyclical dating/breaking up/dating/breaking up we find that relationships between men and women are seen inherently temporary and convenience driven. The problem with marriage is not that people are getting married too young, it is that they are being raised to be self-centered and to view marriage as an end to the “good life” they enjoyed in the twenties. It all comes down to being marriage minded and prepared for that life. A 21 year old who is prepared for marriage is more likely in my opinion to have a lifelong, happy and fulfilling marriage than a 31 year old who is dragged kicking and screaming into marriage after a decade of living for themselves.
Young people are raised in preparation and training for all sorts of things in adulthood. Driving a car, voting, going to college, preparing for a career. A child who turns 18 is expected to have the right skills to function in our society.
What about marriage?
Being prepared and open to marriage is one of the most important virtues Christian parents can instill in their children. Marriage forms the foundation for most Christians for the rest of their lives. If Christian parents see their children marry well (i.e. deciding on a spouse to be equally yoked to with the prayer, guidance and approval of their family), they have succeeded in their parenting calling. I would rather my children marry well than make a million dollars a year. I would rather my children be anonymous good parents than be jetsetters. No career achievement, no life experience can trump a solid marriage. My wife and I often talk about how we grew up together. We were married very young (I was 18 when we were engaged and 20 when we were married) and started a family very young (our first two kids came while I was still an undergraduate). There have been lots of bumps along the way but a lot of that is a natural process of growing up and growing into adulthood together (growing up doesn’t stop at 18! In fact for a lot of people I know it hasn’t even started yet and they are approaching 30). I didn’t go travel Europe for a summer to find myself. I didn’t date dozens of women throughout my 20’s. I don’t regret it at all and I don't feel like I missed out on something. What would have been more formative for me as an adult, a young adulthood full of living for me or a young adulthood with my beloved wife? We grew up together and we look forward to growing old together. That is the life we desire for our children, being ready for marriage as they leave their teen years and looking forward to marriage as one of the pillars of adulthood, something to be cherished and sought and not something to be delayed and avoided.
There are plenty of reasons to avoid the Twilight movies, chiefly because the acting, special effects, storyline, etc. are mind-numbingly bad. The main characters getting married young is not one of them.
7 comments:
Most people would think I'm nuts for saying this, but I really don't think it was a bad thing when people used to get married at 15. I don't at all advocate today's average American 15-year-old getting married--they're not prepared for it. We have created a culture of adolescence, which now extends even into the 20s and 30s for many young men and women. But when the culture expected young men and ladies to be prepared for marriage at a young age, they were prepared for it. You didn't see skyrocketing divorce rates 100 years ago, when people were marrying at much younger ages than they are now. I honestly think this is a big part of why "True Love Waits" and virginity pledges don't work. I don't believe we were meant to hold on to our virginity and fight against our bodies' desires into our late twenties. Call me crazy, but I believe we were designed by an intelligent and loving God, and I believe He knew what He was doing when He decided when to mature our sexual organs. That doesn't mean I don't advocate remaining chaste until marriage. It just makes more sense to me not to drag that process out.
Just my crazy two cents.
Also, I'm more worried about young girls following Bella's example by latching on to dangerous guys. That's part of the appeal of Edward, right? He's dangerous. He could bite you and suck all your blood and kill you. But he won't, because he's like, so totally in love with you, and he's like, a sensitive soul...and stuff. :)
But real life isn't like that. Usually, the dangerous guy really is dangerous. And while I haven't seen the movies or read the books, there seems to be this theme of obsession. Bella and Edward seem to be obsessed with each other. Teen girls are obsessed with the story (I actually have a young cousin who carries the book with her everywhere--obsession doesn't even begin to describe it). It breaks my heart to see young girls mistake unhealthy obsession with undying love.
I just had to come over and see if you really wrote a post about the Twilight movie. I thought maybe it was a gimmick to bring in new readers ; )
On a serious note, marriage is hard work... even when your spouse is not a vampire. In thinking about getting married young, I would have to say that it depends on the child. Because, most children at 18 are not at all ready for marriage. But, if you have two young people who understand that marriage is a life-long commitment, then encouraging them to marry young might save them from a multitude of sins. And, without a doubt, marriage and children are tools from the Lord to sanctify believers!
Bethany
I think marriage at a young age gets a bad rap because most young people are immature, and as you said, immaturity makes for a rough time. I don't think there is a strict correlation between age of marriage and divorce rates. I would say there are correlations between level of maturity and divorce rates, and level of commitment and divorce rates. You use the example of the 31 year old who is being dragged kicking and screaming into a monogamous relationship, and I think it is the character of that 31 year old that is an issue, not his age (which I think was your point, so I'm not arguing with you). I wasn't married until I was 30, but I spent that 10 years seeking God, and being brought to a greater level of maturity, so that when I did get married I would be as prepared as possible. I say "as prepared as possible", because I don't think you're ever truly prepared, or at least not to the extent that there won't be bumps in the road along the way. I believe you can be prepared with the understanding of the gravity of your decision, the importance of making a good choice, and the sanctity of that relationship. I think the biggest thing to understand is that it takes a commitment to your spouse that, come hell or high water, I love them more than myself, and will seek what's best for them. If we can have that attitude, we will make it through the rough spots, because selfishness isn't part of the picture. I think young people today don't have these understandings, because parents aren't instilling it, by and large.
Bethany and April,
So I put up a post about Twilight and the only comments come from women. Coincidence?
LOL! Two ladies who have never read the books or watched the movies.
Actually, Arthur, I write at least two comments a week on your blog... then I erase them! Your normal topics are too in-depth for me to weigh in. What do I have to add among the comments of all these knowledgeable men?
Bethany
Touche' Arthur...
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