I read an article Voddie Baucham linked to regarding the dating experience of young women prior to getting married: Your Prince Is 22 Frogs Away. I don’t think this is a scientific poll and the sample is pretty small but the results are kind of what you would expect to see. These are some of the key finding:
The average woman will kiss 22 men, have four long-term relationships and get her heart broken five times before meeting “the one”, a study claims.
The path to true love will also see her endure six bad dates, have six one-night stands and be cheated on four times before finding her perfect match.
The typical woman will have met at least one partner online, been taken on holiday by three different men and had three long- distance relationships.
One-in-five even say they have a child with someone else before finding their soulmate – and most have lived with two men before they meet Mr Right.
Huh, why is Western culture such a mess? Even if this is half-right it paints a grotesque picture. The result? The typical young woman has endured years and years of heart break and sexual promiscuity before finally finding “the one”. Likely their spouse has experienced a similar series of dates, one night stands, live in relationships and multiple break-ups.
It is sadly true that many Christians follow a similar method. Sure there is the added touch of sending your kid to youth groups and making them go to church every Sunday but the end result is pushing your daughters out the door at 18 to go find themselves and eventually stumble across a spouse. How many of our daughters go through the same horrifying process of heartbreak after heartbreak before settling down?
As Voddie Baucham said in his link, there must be a better way! A better way than throwing our daughters into a world full of men fully willing to use and discard them, a world where women finally enter marriage with their hearts calloused by the scars of our dating culture. A hard, cynical heart familiar with disappointments is hardly a heart conducive to a happy marriage. Some may say this is all part of “growing up” but I say it is one of the leading reasons marriage is so discounted and divorce is so prevalent.
The same holds true for our sons and often we have a double standard here. We must be teaching them that women are not merely objects be chased for gratification but image bearers of God to be respected, cherished and loved. If your image of women is formed by years of serial dating, pornography and the constant barrage of women in the popular culture, why would we expect our sons to be husband who love their wives as Christ loved the church?
It makes marriage harder when one or both partners bring baggage to the marriage from previous relationships. There are plenty of memories that linger in the mind for a lifetime. I remember lots of stuff that I wish I didn’t but once that gets in your memory it is impossible to get it back out. I am speaking as someone who started dating my wife when I was 15 and I can only imagine what it must be like to be in today’s casual sexuality and hooking-up culture for my teens and twenties.
I can’t recommend enough What He Must Be If He Wants To Marry My Daughter by Voddie Baucham. I review it here and I think I might read it again!
Deciding on the person they will marry is the most important decision your child will make and parents simply must encourage their kids to seek their guidance in this process. There isn’t a foolproof “method” for ensuring marital bliss but having parents help guide their young adult children to be marriage minded instead of dating minded is a good first start. We need to instill in our daughters that a guy who is not interested in marriage, no matter how swell, is not someone they should waste their time on.
The choice of a spouse is more important than where our children will go to college or where they will live or what job they will have. Such an important decision requires as much loving guidance as possible.
Showing posts with label what he must be if he wants to marry my daughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label what he must be if he wants to marry my daughter. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Select quotes from what he must be...if he wants to marry my daughter
Almost every page had a notable quote but here are a few of my favorites from Voddie Baucham...
Marriage as the preferred state
“…every man should look toward marriage unless and until the Lord shows him that he has been gifted for and called to a life of singleness.” (p. 42)
Men and women have complementary, not identical roles
“This is a delicate balance that can be difficult to achieve. Nevertheless, if our desire is to obey the Lord and bring Him glory, we must seek this balance” (p. 99)
Male Headship
“I have no interest in potential suitors for my daughter who refuse to acknowledge and walk in the reality of male headship. More importantly, I have striven to instill this same commitment in my daughter” (p. 101)
Courtship
“Young men should ask a father‘s permission before they begin the courtship process, not after they have completed it” (p. 108, emphasis added)
The importance of the marriage relationship
“Our children must not come first…Our children‘s security is compromised when they are prioritized over the marriage” (p. 119)
Young men raised amidst a culture of feminized men
“I thought about the thousands of young men in our society who have been raised amidst a culture of weak, godless, unsure, lazy, feminized men. ” (p. 139)
Single young women should spend that time serving God, not pining for boys
“The time will come soon enough when they will be weighed down with the responsibilities of husbands, children, and households that will hinder their ability to give of themselves outside their homes. IN the meantime, let’s call our daughters Godward in their focus and encourage them to keep that focus until a young man comes along with equal or greater focus that will allow them to do more for the King together than either of them could do on their own” (p. 172-173)
That most scarce of commodities: Godly young men
“Currently there appears to be a shortage of godly young men. Church for men reports, ‘The typical U.S. congregation draws an adult crowd that is 61% female, 39% male. This gender gap shows up in all age categories.’ Unfortunately, the trend is getting worse. ‘As many as 90 percent of the boys who are being raised in church will abandon it by their 20th birthday‘” (p. 178)
Every page is chock full of good stuff like this.
Marriage as the preferred state
“…every man should look toward marriage unless and until the Lord shows him that he has been gifted for and called to a life of singleness.” (p. 42)
Men and women have complementary, not identical roles
“This is a delicate balance that can be difficult to achieve. Nevertheless, if our desire is to obey the Lord and bring Him glory, we must seek this balance” (p. 99)
Male Headship
“I have no interest in potential suitors for my daughter who refuse to acknowledge and walk in the reality of male headship. More importantly, I have striven to instill this same commitment in my daughter” (p. 101)
Courtship
“Young men should ask a father‘s permission before they begin the courtship process, not after they have completed it” (p. 108, emphasis added)
The importance of the marriage relationship
“Our children must not come first…Our children‘s security is compromised when they are prioritized over the marriage” (p. 119)
Young men raised amidst a culture of feminized men
“I thought about the thousands of young men in our society who have been raised amidst a culture of weak, godless, unsure, lazy, feminized men. ” (p. 139)
Single young women should spend that time serving God, not pining for boys
“The time will come soon enough when they will be weighed down with the responsibilities of husbands, children, and households that will hinder their ability to give of themselves outside their homes. IN the meantime, let’s call our daughters Godward in their focus and encourage them to keep that focus until a young man comes along with equal or greater focus that will allow them to do more for the King together than either of them could do on their own” (p. 172-173)
That most scarce of commodities: Godly young men
“Currently there appears to be a shortage of godly young men. Church for men reports, ‘The typical U.S. congregation draws an adult crowd that is 61% female, 39% male. This gender gap shows up in all age categories.’ Unfortunately, the trend is getting worse. ‘As many as 90 percent of the boys who are being raised in church will abandon it by their 20th birthday‘” (p. 178)
Every page is chock full of good stuff like this.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Book Review: What he must be...if he wants to marry my daughter
So I just finished reading Voddie Baucham's new book, What he must be...if he wants to marry my daughter.
One word: WOW!
The world we live in and the way we live in it demands change from Christian parents. Not just tinkering around the edges, but radical, wholesale change to the way we approach parenting. Most, and I say that with full assurance, books on “Christian” parenting are of minimal use, if any, because they see Christian parenting as little different than non-Christian parenting. We raise our kids in the same way, with the same methods and (tragically) with the same expectations, just with a little bit of youth group thrown in. Why then are we surprised when we get the same terrible results?
For example. Think about how much time parents spend on planning for their kids. Planning to have them at a convenient time. Setting up college funds. In some places, getting an as yet unborn child on a waiting list for the premier daycare or preschools. Setting up schedules for the ever increasing number of activities that kids are involved in from piano lessons to sports. Planning intricate and expensive family vacations. Picking a church based on the youth program. Detailed examinations of colleges to make sure that little Susie or Bobbie get in just the right college so that they can get a “good job”. But what about the most important decision they will make? There is nothing that will have a greater impact on the bulk of our children’s lives than who they marry, and yet for so many parents that is not even on the radar, nor is it viewed as something that parents need to be actively involved in. Just raise ‘em the best we can and send ‘em out and hope for the best!
That is the impetus behind Voddie Baucham’s new book “What he must be…if he wants to marry my daughter”. It is high time that the people of God turn to the Word of God to see how to raise the gift of God that we have received in our children. This is not a book, as I am sure it will be caricatured by many, on arranged marriages or domineering patriarchy. It is a book that calls on Christian parents to take an active and intentional role in raising up our kids to seek the right kind of spouse and being deeply engaged in that process. It is also not just about helping our daughters marry godly young men, it is also about helping our sons become the godly men that Christian young women should desire to marry. This is, despite the title, not just a book for parents of young women. I would heartily recommend this book to parents who have just sons, married couples who don’t have kids yet, couples thinking about getting married, single adult women and men, teenaged girls and boys alike. I fully intend to have my girls read this book and then talk about it with them, because I can say with confidence that if they seek out a spouse in the manner and with the characteristics that Voddie lays out, they are far more likely to have a sustainable, happy and Biblical marriage. That is far more important to me than them “marrying well”, which means marrying a doctor or finding “Mr. Right”.
The chapters raise issues that will seem completely foreign to many parents. Our daughters should seek a young man who is committed to children? Huh? They should seek a young man who is a Christian, and not just a “church member” but someone who has a grasp of the Bible, is daily seeking God’s will in His Word, someone who is committed first and foremost to Christ. Have you ever thought about meeting a potential suitor for your daughter and engaging them in a discussion of theology to see if they really are in the Word or just going through the motions? In one of the chapters that will cause people to freak out, we should teach our daughters to seek young men who understand and embrace patriarchal male headship. What!? Yes indeed! When we teach our young women a watered down feminism that sees radical egalitarianism in family life as the “enlightened” model that they should seek, is it any wonder that they marry poorly and have families that are not run in a Biblical manner?
One thing that is clear in reading this book: it is unlike most of the books on marriage, parenting, courtship, families, etc. that you will find filling the bookshelves of “Christian” bookstores. Having perused a few of those books, and having seen first hand the effect those books have on the church, I can say that you are far better off pitching 99% of them in the trash. It is not hyperbole to say that this is one of the best, one of the most vital books on Christian parenting to come along in recent years (or even decades).
I have said before in earlier posts and I guarantee I will say again in future posts: weak families lead to weak churches. If you want to take a substantive step toward building a strong, Biblical, multigenerational family that will lead to strong, Biblical, multigenerational churches, the best thing you can do is read everything the Bible says about parenting and families. The very next step is to run, don’t walk!, to your nearest bookstore or online retailer, get What he must be...if he wants to marry my daughter by Voddie Baucham, read it, read it again and buy a copy for a friend.
One word: WOW!
The world we live in and the way we live in it demands change from Christian parents. Not just tinkering around the edges, but radical, wholesale change to the way we approach parenting. Most, and I say that with full assurance, books on “Christian” parenting are of minimal use, if any, because they see Christian parenting as little different than non-Christian parenting. We raise our kids in the same way, with the same methods and (tragically) with the same expectations, just with a little bit of youth group thrown in. Why then are we surprised when we get the same terrible results?
For example. Think about how much time parents spend on planning for their kids. Planning to have them at a convenient time. Setting up college funds. In some places, getting an as yet unborn child on a waiting list for the premier daycare or preschools. Setting up schedules for the ever increasing number of activities that kids are involved in from piano lessons to sports. Planning intricate and expensive family vacations. Picking a church based on the youth program. Detailed examinations of colleges to make sure that little Susie or Bobbie get in just the right college so that they can get a “good job”. But what about the most important decision they will make? There is nothing that will have a greater impact on the bulk of our children’s lives than who they marry, and yet for so many parents that is not even on the radar, nor is it viewed as something that parents need to be actively involved in. Just raise ‘em the best we can and send ‘em out and hope for the best!
That is the impetus behind Voddie Baucham’s new book “What he must be…if he wants to marry my daughter”. It is high time that the people of God turn to the Word of God to see how to raise the gift of God that we have received in our children. This is not a book, as I am sure it will be caricatured by many, on arranged marriages or domineering patriarchy. It is a book that calls on Christian parents to take an active and intentional role in raising up our kids to seek the right kind of spouse and being deeply engaged in that process. It is also not just about helping our daughters marry godly young men, it is also about helping our sons become the godly men that Christian young women should desire to marry. This is, despite the title, not just a book for parents of young women. I would heartily recommend this book to parents who have just sons, married couples who don’t have kids yet, couples thinking about getting married, single adult women and men, teenaged girls and boys alike. I fully intend to have my girls read this book and then talk about it with them, because I can say with confidence that if they seek out a spouse in the manner and with the characteristics that Voddie lays out, they are far more likely to have a sustainable, happy and Biblical marriage. That is far more important to me than them “marrying well”, which means marrying a doctor or finding “Mr. Right”.
The chapters raise issues that will seem completely foreign to many parents. Our daughters should seek a young man who is committed to children? Huh? They should seek a young man who is a Christian, and not just a “church member” but someone who has a grasp of the Bible, is daily seeking God’s will in His Word, someone who is committed first and foremost to Christ. Have you ever thought about meeting a potential suitor for your daughter and engaging them in a discussion of theology to see if they really are in the Word or just going through the motions? In one of the chapters that will cause people to freak out, we should teach our daughters to seek young men who understand and embrace patriarchal male headship. What!? Yes indeed! When we teach our young women a watered down feminism that sees radical egalitarianism in family life as the “enlightened” model that they should seek, is it any wonder that they marry poorly and have families that are not run in a Biblical manner?
One thing that is clear in reading this book: it is unlike most of the books on marriage, parenting, courtship, families, etc. that you will find filling the bookshelves of “Christian” bookstores. Having perused a few of those books, and having seen first hand the effect those books have on the church, I can say that you are far better off pitching 99% of them in the trash. It is not hyperbole to say that this is one of the best, one of the most vital books on Christian parenting to come along in recent years (or even decades).
I have said before in earlier posts and I guarantee I will say again in future posts: weak families lead to weak churches. If you want to take a substantive step toward building a strong, Biblical, multigenerational family that will lead to strong, Biblical, multigenerational churches, the best thing you can do is read everything the Bible says about parenting and families. The very next step is to run, don’t walk!, to your nearest bookstore or online retailer, get What he must be...if he wants to marry my daughter by Voddie Baucham, read it, read it again and buy a copy for a friend.
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